Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Days of Awe

The Jewish Holidays are rapidly approaching and with them come certain gradients. One of those traditions is cemetary visiting.  A friend of Mother's was kind enough to accompany me cemetary.  I had been at zmom's grave in July but it was nice to have some company today.  Oddly enough the cemetary brings me peace and not distress which is fortunate.  What a difference a year makes. A year ago today I would have never though that Mom would not be here.  I am still in shock.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Planning

I was always a planner and then I moved in with Mom and she was the planner. I stilled planned but I deferred and now I am back to being the planning. My Lilly Pulitzer Agenda is glued to me and I write everything down. I need an agenda because I would completely forget everything that I need to accomplish.

I am good at everyday planning but now need to create a master plan for myself. Before Mom died I thought that I would move away to a warm climate and leave my roots behind. Now that Mom is no longer with us I realize that I would lose a part of her if I moved away. Our life together was here and I am not ready to part with that life.  The first step of my master plan is to clean out my house and figure out where and if I want to move.  Originally I thought that I would moved to another area of Philadelphia but again I am not ready.  I am still grieving and need to be with familiar things. My responsibilities have changed a lot in the past four months. I went from being a full time daughter to having more household responsibilities.  I feel as though I am in control now and for that I am grateful.  It's hard to figure all of these things out but I will  let my faith guide me.

What are your thoughts?

Friday, September 5, 2014

Turning the Corner

It's no secret that the last few months have been awful. I have been on an emotional roller coaster. However I am happy to report that I have turned the corner.  Don't be mistaken I am still very sad and my heart is heavy but I am better.

On Tuesday I blew up at someone I work with. I know that he likes to make a joke about everything (because he cannot handle anything) and I had enough! After I blew up I felt like a dark cloud had been lifted.

I feel better.

Here are some throwback photos!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Summer's End

Summer was Mom 'a favorite season. She would get teary on Labor Day. I always embraced Fall but today I too am teary. It is just another reminder of the emptiness in my heart.

This summer I have experienced the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. I have been wined and dined, looked after by good friends and neighbors and embraced by acquaintances.  I will spend the next few months giving back to those who gave to me.


Sunday, August 31, 2014

Hard Choices

I have to admit that I don't always fine Joan Rivers to be funny but she does inspire me.  She picked herself up after the suicide of her husband. She reinvented herself and now is facing the battle of her life. I can empathize with her her daughter Melissa and can only imagine the anguish that she is going through.  After going through a similar experience with Mom (she was not on a ventilator but we decided -according to her wishes to let her go also) Joan Rivers is constantly on my mind as is her daughter.

Life ending choices are difficult ones. I don't usually discuss them with many people because not everyone agrees with my views. As heartwrenching as it was to let Mom go I know that it was the right thing to do.  She would not have wanted to end up with no vision and unable to walk or to feed herself.   People often ask me if this choice was based on my religious beliefs.  Oddly enough Orthodox Jews (I am Conservative) do not belief in taking people off of ventilators or enabling the dying process in any way at all. It is a personal choice and one that is best discussed with family ahead of time. 

How do you feel about end of life issues?

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Confessions of an Insomniac

Let me preface this by saying that I don't buy too many things from the tv shopping channels (I do buy Wen from QVC).  Since Mom passed away I have not slept well and have seen many hours of QVC programming during the night. One of the items that I have wanted to purchase is foundation from IT Cosmetics.  I did not order  it from QVC because I usually prefer instant gratification in lieu of waiting for packages to arrive (and I also do not like to pay for shipping). Today I headed to Ulta and purchased it .  The coverage is amazing and I am sure that I will purchased it in the future from QVC  because they have promotional prices on a regular basis.

Do you purchase things from TV?? Just curious.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Time

Mom will be gone four months tomorrow. Time passes quickly but moves slowly if you know what I mean.  Some days are easier than others. I am happy at the end of a day that I am not weepy and angry when the tears flow too much. It's all part of the process.

The paperwork is almost done and now I have started to tackle all of the stuff. It is Jewish tradition during the first thirty days after a death to get rid of the clothes of the deceased. I did that and I am grateful that I did. Now I am tackling the drawers and drawer of stuff and the mounds of paper (ie financial papers etc.).  It was hard to go through the stuff in the beginning. Now it is cathartic and I feel good when I can shred things and take things to Goodwill. It makes me feel better and it eases the stress.

I am grateful for great friends, neighbors and co-workers who have helped me so much through this very dark time.  Mom always used to say that she was grateful to have me or she would have been so lonely.  I used to underestimate the power of that of statement and now I understand it completely. As anxious as I am for the weekend to come around (after a stressful week of work) I make sure to keep busy because when the loneliness sets in it is hard.  I know that in time I will be happy to have some alone time.  I used to crave alone time (because I never had any) and now it is an enemy.  It is funny how life changes.

On a lighter note I am loving the cooler weather and am looking forward to the week ahead.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Flaws

There's no doubt that the past few months have been hard. I have found that I have been hard on myself too. I get upset when I upset someone and was told today that I am needy. 

A friend gave me an article on what it means to be emotionally secure. Obviously from the article I am not. My family members are emotionally secure but I am not.  I need to work on that. Do you get upset when people prey on your flaws?

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Currently Loving

I am currently loving the unisex Louis Vuitton Trotteur Breauborg bag.  It is unisex and I just adore it. I think that it is the perfect travel bag.  Don't you love it?

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Selfie Silent Saturday


Thursday, August 7, 2014

Progress

Sorry that I have not updated the blog in awhile.  The past few weeks have had their ups and downs. However, I am establishing a new routine and am starting to make a new life for myself. My Mother will forever be in my heart and will walk beside me wherever I am. I talk to her everyday and listen to her voicemails more often than not.

I am starting to step out of my comfort zone. I am now volunteering at my synagogue and am thinking about volunteering at the hospice that Mom passed away at.  I have seen many friemds and have started yoga as well.  I am very sad  and my heart will always be missing an important piece but I realize that I need to start to live my life.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Monogram Fun

It's been such a crazy few months.  Mom will be gone  this Friday. I miss her so much.

I have been busy trying to think about my next steps.. Ie moving and cleaning out. The trip down memory lane is hard but has some rewards. I found my monogram necklace (which I misplaced and is shown in the photo).

The weekends are hard. I keep busy so my mind does not wander!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Faith and Grief

Faith is really helping me with the grief process. It is the custom in the Jewish religion to say the prayer for the dead called Kaddish every day for a year after someone dies. I find that my synagogue community is helping me cope with Mom's death. Sometimes when I feel strung out and very sad being at synagogue really does soothe me.  I am doing a bit better each day but know that I need to stay away from certain people who really "jerk my chain".  I am a stable person but find that I am more fragile than I used to be.  Have you experienced a death and has your faith family helped you?

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Chains and Chains

I love jewelry! A friend of Mom's invited me over for dinner the other night and she had a stunning bracelet on. I asked her about it and she said that it was an Xavier Derome. Xavier Derome is a high end eyeglass company from Paris. The frames are made from acetate and so are the bracelets. The bracelets are stunning and come in many color combinations. They sell them in Philly at a store called Eye Bright on 19th Street off of Rittenhouse Square. I got a tortoise one yesterday and just adore it. Are you a fan of the chain link?  I know that I certainly am. It too my mind off of my grief for a few minutes. 
 
I am doing better. I have been to synagogue quite a few times this week and it has really helped to be with fellow mourners.  I am less weepy and am grateful for that.
 


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Faith

After a few very weepy days I realize that faith has will get me through this time. I have gone to synagogue several times in the past week and it is helping. I also realize that I need to take care of myself and stay away from toxici people. I am not ready for that.

I am blessed in many ways and realize that I am weaker than I thought in some ways and stronger in others. Life takes some strange turns and I realize that the ride will be long!

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