Monday, July 21, 2014

Monogram Fun

It's been such a crazy few months.  Mom will be gone  this Friday. I miss her so much.

I have been busy trying to think about my next steps.. Ie moving and cleaning out. The trip down memory lane is hard but has some rewards. I found my monogram necklace (which I misplaced and is shown in the photo).

The weekends are hard. I keep busy so my mind does not wander!

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Faith and Grief

Faith is really helping me with the grief process. It is the custom in the Jewish religion to say the prayer for the dead called Kaddish every day for a year after someone dies. I find that my synagogue community is helping me cope with Mom's death. Sometimes when I feel strung out and very sad being at synagogue really does soothe me.  I am doing a bit better each day but know that I need to stay away from certain people who really "jerk my chain".  I am a stable person but find that I am more fragile than I used to be.  Have you experienced a death and has your faith family helped you?

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Chains and Chains

I love jewelry! A friend of Mom's invited me over for dinner the other night and she had a stunning bracelet on. I asked her about it and she said that it was an Xavier Derome. Xavier Derome is a high end eyeglass company from Paris. The frames are made from acetate and so are the bracelets. The bracelets are stunning and come in many color combinations. They sell them in Philly at a store called Eye Bright on 19th Street off of Rittenhouse Square. I got a tortoise one yesterday and just adore it. Are you a fan of the chain link?  I know that I certainly am. It too my mind off of my grief for a few minutes. 
 
I am doing better. I have been to synagogue quite a few times this week and it has really helped to be with fellow mourners.  I am less weepy and am grateful for that.
 


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Faith

After a few very weepy days I realize that faith has will get me through this time. I have gone to synagogue several times in the past week and it is helping. I also realize that I need to take care of myself and stay away from toxici people. I am not ready for that.

I am blessed in many ways and realize that I am weaker than I thought in some ways and stronger in others. Life takes some strange turns and I realize that the ride will be long!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Toxic People

Sorry to say it was not a great weekend. Between the power outage and getting rid of Mom's car it was a very emotional weekend.  Don't get me wrong I saw some friends, went to synagogue and shared some nice meals out but I was weepy.

I spent some time this weekend with someone who was kind on the surface but said some very hard to take words. Let 's face it we know who we are. We know the good. bad and ugly things about ourselves. Sometimes we don 't need to be reminded. I know that I am alone and unmarried.  I also know that the greatest gift that I gave to Mom was companionship. I may be lonely but she wasn't and I am so grateful!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The Tears Are Flowing

Today was a very emotional day.  My brother and I went to switch the tags on Mom's car which he is giving to my niece.  It sounds stupid but it was so hard seeing the car go. I wanted them to have it but emotionally it was another reminder that Mom is not coming back.  The tears are really flowing today. In fact the tears have flowed so much all weekend that I cannot wait until I go back to work tomorrow.  I am not ready for down time.  I am just so sad.  When Mom was in hospice and still was a bit coherent that's all I kept saying to her was how sad I was.  Grief is tough.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Strength

The last few days have been rough but today was better.  I find myself weeping more than I was. The reality of Mom being gone has set in.  I will be honest- the first few weeks after Mom died I was drinking wine every night to calm my nerves.  I made a vow not to drink during the week and the weeping got worse.  I made the right long term decision but the short term effects are hard to cope with.  I am heading back to the gym tomorrow.  I am looking for strength but am confident thst I will find it.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Loneliness

The past few days have been really rough. I always used to be happy that I was there for Mom on holidays and weekends so that she did not have to be alone. She used to tell me that she was so lucky to have me or she would be alone all of the time.

I am blessed to have wonder friend, neighbors and work family. Last night was my first power outage being alone in my house.  The rains were downright scary and I have to admit I cried like a baby. I was scared, alone and feeling sorry for myself. I miss Mom terribly and feel so guilty that I was not sitting there when she died.  I always promised her that I would be there for her then and I was not. I am ashamed about that.

Enjoy the holiday and God Bless America

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Never a Dull Moment

The last few months have been hectic , exhausting and surprising.  Grief is a process and it is different for everyone. You never know triggers the tears. So imagine my surprise when a neighbor on my street of five houses announced that they are moving today.  They are downsizing and I am happy for them.  Change is hard now.

Monday, June 30, 2014

The High Court

I am a Republican and a lifelong one at that. However, I must say that I am terribly disappointed the the Supreme Court ruling that favored Hobby Lobby today. Now mind you I was a political science major so I understand that the ruling is not about Hobby Lobby but about the fact that employers are not required to supply birth control through the healthcare plans that their employees can choose from.  This disappoints me.  When will it ever stop?  What will be next?  This is not a good thing in the eye of rights for women. How do you feel about this?

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Antiquing

I am establishing a new normal routine in my life.  One of  the things that I used to enjoy before I moved back to Philadelphia was going antiquing. Mom did not really enjoy the hunt for antiques She inherited many of them and was did not keep looking for more.

I adore bakelite. My Grandmother passed a lot of bakelite down to me and I enjoy adding pieces.  Today I was able to pick up this stunning bracelteat the flea market in Lambertville. I went with my neighbirs and then we enjoyed a lovely lunch out.  I am so grateful for everyone in my life.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

WordlessWednesday

My living room

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Drowning in Paper

Death is difficult to deal with to say the least. Then comes the paperwork. I am drowning in paperwork, There is a form for everything and for everything there is a form. I am fortunate to have an estate attorney but even they need forms. Death generates a lot more paper than life. It's really amazing.

I am learning a lot about myself during this process. I cleaned out some safe deposit boxes today and nearly broke down when I saw my Father's watch and a love letter that he wrote to my Mother. I am now able to listen to my Mom's voicemails on my cell phone and laugh. That's a good thing. Life is funny isn't it?

Monday, June 23, 2014

Sales

Everyone teases me about wearing so much black. Growing up with many bad body issues I have always been comfortable in black. People always comment on it.

My new challenge is to incorporate some color into my wardrobe.  Cotton cardigans are an easy way to do so.  They offer a nice pop of color!!  Macy's is having a great sale and I was able to buy $400 worth of sweaters for $69.00.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Reunion

One thing that has really come to the forefront of my my mind since Mom passed away is that we cannot waste time on petty stuff. We don't have the time to waste. My cousin (shown with me above) have not seen each other since our Grandmother died twenty years ago . My father and his sister were eight years apart and really did not have a good relationship. Randi and I have been friends on Facebook for awhile now and had a lovely lunch today.  We had a lot of fun. She and I are two years apart (although she looks like she could be my daughter) and realized that we have a lot in common.  It was fun and we plan to do it again. Neither one of us has much family so it's time to seize the moment.

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